Part deux

Where was I?


I called my mom to announce my pregnancy with Simon. That's when I started talking to her again after the wedding fiasco. She relished the idea of being a grandmother and showered us with gifts for the baby. I loved that she was excited and I liked that she could send us things here and there for the baby. My family has never had much money and I never expected any gifts from her, but I loved that she made that extra special effort for my boy. Before he was born, she got into another tiff with me, I don't remember what it was, but his birth brought her and my dad to Utah. They rented a car and drove overnight to meet him. My mom showed up around noon that day and left around five. A 13 hour drive for five hours of visit. She was distant the entire time and picked another fight with me before she left.

Anyway, I'm not trying to keep tabs. Ohhhh how many times has she disowned me? How many times has she hurt me? Too many to count, but I still love her and always will. It's just that this last time, really cut me deep. I needed her too bad, counted on her too much, trusted her too deeply when I know I shouldn't have.

Ruby was an unexpected baby. When I found out she was on her way, I was terrified. I could barely handle one child, let alone two. I even briefly debated other options, adoption, abortion... I was so scared. I called my mom and she told me she would be there for me. She comforted me. And I allowed myself to be comforted by her. For months and months on end, she told me she was coming to help me take care of the babies. I was so so SO excited. Excited for my son to play with his grandma, for her to see how he's grown and excited to see her myself. I had money saved to help her get here. She said she had saved up over 8 weeks vacation. The time drew closer and closer and something seemed off. I should have picked up on it. Me saying "the baby will be here any time" and her vaguely replying that she would be here when I needed her. She should have come then. She should have come that day when, on the phone, I told her it would be any day.

I texted her when I went into labor, but she didn't reply. I called her after Ruby was born and she said that she would be here in a few days. I was sorely disappointed that my mother was not there for me either time I went into labor. That I didn't have my mom there to hold my hand and coach me, brush back my hair and just... be a mom. I am disappointed that I will never know how that feels. Ruby was two days old when she told me she wasn't coming. When she told me that everything I had been planning for the past eight months was not going to happen. That I was going to be alone in this hell.

I cried. I lost it, which I never do. I can't get over it. I can't get over how she makes no effort to see or meet her grandbabies. My heart hurts that my babies will never know such a wonderful grandma as I have had.







TBC (too sad)