I'm tired.

So, I was thinking about what to title this post, and almost instantly "I'm tired" popped into my head. And I was like, nahhhh I can't name a post that, because I always talk about how tired I am...

But remember, dear readers? It's a mommy blog. I can be as tired as I want and I can always mention it in every conversation. Oh no, you are never more tired than me, readers. Just remember that.

Today I got my sweet girl to laugh. It was so cute and melted my heart. Mr. Simon is growing so big and I swear every day he is doing something new. As is my habit, I am perpetually looking toward the future, thinking of all the great things the kids and I will do when X get a little older, or Y can talk better. I have a bad habit of always wanting the next phase, and kind of missing out on the one at hand. I'm trying to be better about it, but it's really hard.

Like, for instance, I felt that the 3-6 month range was probably the funnest when Simon was an infant. All Ruby's newborn weeks, I looked forward to this time... But now that she is, I'm looking forward to other things. Like sitting up unassisted. Starting solids. That kind of thing. I need to learn to slow down.

I need to throw diapers in the dryer, take care of my fishies and my kitties and hit the hay. Teen Mom can wait.

... pretty sure I smell like throw up.

I think I'm dying.

Sleep deprivation. Seriously. My kid has taken it upon herself to wake up every hour or so. All night. All week. I thought I was tired when she was waking up every three hours, but no. No sir. Anyway, I hope it's a phase that leaves like right now.

Brian and I got rid of some more baby stuff and cleaned the living room up today. OMG it looks so much better. I am so glad to be rid of some of that baby gear. I want to get the kids a play kitchen but it wasn't looking good with all that other baby crap. Maybe we can for Christmas this year.

I got the mommiest of all mom cars the other day. I am so freaking excited to have something more reliable and luxurious. I am NOT excited about car payments, but it really was time. Winter is coming and I want to kids to be able to feel the heat when I take them somewhere instead of layering them in blankets. What is it, you ask? It's a 2001 Volvo wagon. Oh baby oh baby. Wanna see it? Ok, hold please...




Errr.... Did that work?
ETA^^^ it's up there.


So anyway, OH! and we also switched Simon's high chair for a booster today. What a big boy!

I gotta be honest.

I know, I'm going to get the award for World's Worst Blogger, but I'm not going to finish my mom story. I can't remember where I was going with it, and plus it's boring and angsty anyway.

Instead I am going to talk about something that is plaguing my entire being. Outside of my window, there is an ENORMOUS spider hanging out in his web. I saw a bee accidentally get caught in it earlier and the spider dove for it. So gross. And now I can't stop thinking about how this spider most definitely has spider brothers and sisters and it's just way too close for comfort.

In other news, Ruby is four months old tomorrow. I am so freaking glad, I absolutely hate the newborn phase. She is becoming such a happy baby and so full of personality. She does mini baby pushups and I am just sure she is going to crawl before she is six months.

Part deux

Where was I?


I called my mom to announce my pregnancy with Simon. That's when I started talking to her again after the wedding fiasco. She relished the idea of being a grandmother and showered us with gifts for the baby. I loved that she was excited and I liked that she could send us things here and there for the baby. My family has never had much money and I never expected any gifts from her, but I loved that she made that extra special effort for my boy. Before he was born, she got into another tiff with me, I don't remember what it was, but his birth brought her and my dad to Utah. They rented a car and drove overnight to meet him. My mom showed up around noon that day and left around five. A 13 hour drive for five hours of visit. She was distant the entire time and picked another fight with me before she left.

Anyway, I'm not trying to keep tabs. Ohhhh how many times has she disowned me? How many times has she hurt me? Too many to count, but I still love her and always will. It's just that this last time, really cut me deep. I needed her too bad, counted on her too much, trusted her too deeply when I know I shouldn't have.

Ruby was an unexpected baby. When I found out she was on her way, I was terrified. I could barely handle one child, let alone two. I even briefly debated other options, adoption, abortion... I was so scared. I called my mom and she told me she would be there for me. She comforted me. And I allowed myself to be comforted by her. For months and months on end, she told me she was coming to help me take care of the babies. I was so so SO excited. Excited for my son to play with his grandma, for her to see how he's grown and excited to see her myself. I had money saved to help her get here. She said she had saved up over 8 weeks vacation. The time drew closer and closer and something seemed off. I should have picked up on it. Me saying "the baby will be here any time" and her vaguely replying that she would be here when I needed her. She should have come then. She should have come that day when, on the phone, I told her it would be any day.

I texted her when I went into labor, but she didn't reply. I called her after Ruby was born and she said that she would be here in a few days. I was sorely disappointed that my mother was not there for me either time I went into labor. That I didn't have my mom there to hold my hand and coach me, brush back my hair and just... be a mom. I am disappointed that I will never know how that feels. Ruby was two days old when she told me she wasn't coming. When she told me that everything I had been planning for the past eight months was not going to happen. That I was going to be alone in this hell.

I cried. I lost it, which I never do. I can't get over it. I can't get over how she makes no effort to see or meet her grandbabies. My heart hurts that my babies will never know such a wonderful grandma as I have had.







TBC (too sad)

Just a flesh wound.

First, an apology, dearest blogger friends for my absence. My internet was out and I was too distracted by the kids and The Hunger Games to post from my phone. Have no fear, readers! For I have decided on a very interesting and mommy bloggerish topic for tonight.

Tonight's topic: My mother. Oh yes. Better grab you a sandwich, this could take a while.

Where do I even begin? When I was younger, before my mom was diagnosed with MS, she was... awesome. Was she awesome because I was 12 and looked up to her or was she truly awesome? I will never know. But I do know I thought she was awesome. An attentive parent, loving, sometimes annoying and impatient but a mom. A great mom.

After she got diagnosed, it was like... a downward spiral to an entirely different person. Was it the MS? Was it my being a teenager? Was it a combo of both? My mom is the type of person to always need the last word. Even in my youth, I learned to just allow her her final word, the only way to silence her. Even then it didn't always work. This is my first step toward parenting my mother.

As I grew older, she began to grow spiteful of my success (minor as it may be). On my wedding day, she "disowned" me, for silly reasons I can't remember. She attempted to ruin what was supposed to be the best day of my life. After that, I didn't speak to her for almost two months. When I finally called her (because I had to be the one to call her), it was to announce my pregnancy with Simon.

GAH baby awake. TBC

I can't believe I forgot this!

So, I totally made a post birthday post, but I guess it got eaten. Probably something Simon did.






Also, like. Dear blogspot, you take for effing ever to upload a picture. For reals.

It's oh, so quiet...

The kids are asleep (for now), the laundry is folded, diapers are drying, the living room is clean... I am feeling rather accomplished. Now I just need to go the bed myself. My little princess wakes up a bajillion times at night to eat, it makes mama tired.

Sometimes I feel like my mind is running a million miles a minute. I can think of all kinds of things I need to do or want to do, buy. I want to buy Simon some more blocks, some shoes, a fall jacket, a chair, a booster seat. I want to buy Ruby a convertible carseat, more bows, more babylegs, fall clothes, some toys of her own. I want to buy myself some clothes that fit, a nice winter jacket, new shoes, get my bangs trimmed, my hair colored, my eyebrows waxed. I need new glasses because Simon broke my last pair and I'm on my last pair of contacts. I want to get my broken tooth fixed. I want to get a pedicure. Want to buy a desk chair. Put money in savings for the kids, buy another vehicle, buy a house.

But truth be told, I am pretty happy. I am lucky I get to be the brand snob that I am. I am lucky that I have time to spend with my kids, time to meal plan, time to worry about the state of my toenails. I am lucky that we can afford those organic eggs that I insist on, more than double a regular carton of eggs. And I have healthy kids. A wonderful husband. The best friends. A family who loves me, regardless of my faults or my ridiculous mop.

I really think I have the best little family. My husband does anything and everything for us. He works hard with little complaint. He loves me and he loves the kids. And he is the best dad. I know every wife says that, but it's true. He really is. Of course, my kiddos are pretty great. Simon is just so full of life, so happy and so independent. He loves his mama and his kitty and his baby sister. And Ruby... well, miss Ruby is still showing us who she is. One thing I know for sure, this one's a little spitfire. And she's going to give B and I a run for our money the rest of our lives.

I guess you're probably wondering, "what's your point, O typical mommy blogger?" and my answer for you? I have none.


I could do a real post. I could post about how when I finally get a chance to go to the bathroom, the stupid cats bust in. I could post about how every single time I put Ruby in the Bumbo on the table, I see that stupid warning that tells you not to use it on an elevated surface, and I feel guilty. Even though I'm literally RIGHT THERE, I see that warning and I know I'm breaking the rules. Like somehow Ruby is going to leap out of that Bumbo, past my waiting arms and break her neck on the floor. Or work. I suppose I could post about work. About how I spent a good four hours on Saturday morning patting myself on the back for being such a good mommy with a coworker of mine.

Or I could talk about how I stopped washing makeup off and now my face is breaking out. And how I'm still not going to wash makeup off. Or how I've decided that this :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNDfreK0Yno

is the funniest commercial since the Geico caveman commercials came out.

Watch that. Right now.